Reflections

One of my best friends from childhood lost her big brother recently. Reading the facebook posts and memories of this wonderful man has thrown me into a sort of reflective state of those I have lost as well, to death, petty arugements and battles of will. I realized that life is too short to spend angry or holding meaningless grudges. While my life is definatly material for a made for Lifetime TV movie, we won't go into detail on most of it. But some of the less painfull highlights that made me the Jen that I am today..... I spent most of my nearly 33 years fighting with someone. Usually over something stupid.

I am the first to admit that I am stubborn, willfill and easily hurt. I am never the first to say I'm sorry. And I hold on to grudge like a fat kid holds on to cake. Something I battle with. I usually burn bridges I should leave standing, push away those that care for me the most, and give up when the going gets rough. I admit it. Call me a coward, call me stupid, call me what you will... I have probably either called myself that or been called that before. Sometimes my anger and resentment is appropriately placed, other times not so much.

In the past year I have pushed away my entire family on both my husband's side and my own. I believe it was warranted, however, will I still feel that way when my children ask me about their grandparents? Aunts? Cousins? Within all the mudslinging, name calling, and hurt feelings was an underlying issue that instead of just ignoring and pushing aside the people feeling it.. should have been addressed. Yes, the mudslinging, name calling and hurt feelings were made public which only added fuel to my anger fire... but just because someone handles something wrong doesn't mean that the person it is directed toward should react with the same anger. Now, does saying this out loud (well.. type) mean that the anger, resentment and lack of communication will quickly come to an abrupt end? No. Hurt feelings are a difficult thing for a stubborn bull headed Irish and German woman to just blindly let go of. But, it does mean that I am open to the possiblity of such a reconciliation in the future.

I have also lost friends over the years just due to my own selfishness. I have friends that have stuck by me through it all, friends I don't deserve. And friends that I abandoned only to have them stand by me when we reconnected, a friendship that I again, don't deserve. I don't know what I did to deserve to have an elementary friend stick with me for over 25 years... But I will be the first to admit that while I didn't deserve to have him be my best friend all these years, I am so glad that he has been there for me. I know that in my own selfish way, I haven't been there in return for him... but I am attempting to change all that.

The births my sons taught me how to love unconditionally. After so many disappointments and deaths (both physical and metaphorical) I had closed myself off to love. Feelings so deep were for other people, not me. I allowed myself to be in seriously abusive relationships because I didn't deserve much more. My 2nd chance at LIFE came August 22, 2000. My son, Hunter Christopher was born. And at that moment when the doctor placed that perfect little 5 1/2 pound angel on my stomach, I knew my life would be forever changed. I knew that I would love him and live for him as long as God was willing to keep him in my life. Even thought recently we have had a lot of ups and downs with my "angel" I know that together we can accomplish anything...

I was then blessed with Draven Sky, 5 years later. Following Draven's birth I went through a sort of... reinvention of me. I was arrested only weeks after his birth and sentenced to 9 months in county jail. Upon my release from jail 9 months (and 150 less pounds) later Hunter and I were homeless. I met this woman in jail who took us in. She and her (then) girlfriend took a despondent woman and her 5 year old son into their home and welcomed them into their family. They helped me through the beginging of my very difficult divorce and custody battle for my Draven. While living with Bren and AJ, I recieved a message from some guy on yahoo messenger. He got my name from a personal ad that my friends had placed for me. He spent hours on the computer trying to raise my spirits and make me smile. By the end of the conversation I knew I had found my forever. We moved in together only 2 short months after meeting online. I knew he would be good for Hunter and I. However, even with this knowledge, I spent months attempting to push him away... to get him to leave me. Repeatedly telling him that I would never marry him.

And even still... 11 months after meeting him, I became Mrs. Kearney. And 3 months after our perfect celtic wedding we welcomed Connor Joseph. A perfect little bundle of chubby and adorable. He is a combination of everything good of the both of us.

I only have one member of my family... my little brother. My hero. My confidate. My best friend. There is so much I could say about him.. but that's a whole 'nother blog. :)

I am amazed at the human condition. I have spent my whole life in a constant roller coaster of ups and downs. Fights and hatred. And still come up with a smile on my face. I don't know how, and I don't know how real it is... but the smile is there none the less. I only hope that at some point, I can return the gift of true friendship to someone else just as I have been blessed with over my lifetime.